It’s two and a half hours to go until the biggest spectacle in sports entertainment: Wrestlemania.
Now yesterday, Ryan Butler BA, asked me to book my dream Wrestlemania match for a post he was going to write for this very website.
Well obviously that never materialised and so it is left for me to pick up the flak. But let me just say, I am not mad at you, Butler. I am just disappointed.
Anyway without further ado, here is how I would book my dream Wrestlemania, and it’s not just limited to current superstars and Divas.
Wrestlemania. The show of shows. The grand daddy of them all. The biggest spectacle in sports entertainment deserves big matches and what better way to open the show than with the biggest match of them all: Hornswoggle vs El Torito.
Why? Well let’s face it, everyone likes to see a good midget fight in WWE. Los Matadores in the corner with El Torito, but Hornswoggle gets the win! Cue savage beat down by Los Matadores before the return of the true Irish brawler: Finlay. Shellaligh in hand, he lays the smackdown on Los Matadores, leaving himself and Hornswoggle standing tall. What a Wrestlemania moment!
Next up on the card I’m throwing Divas in early. My two favourite women on the current roster against two of my all time favourites. Paige and Becky Lynch vs Lita and Trish Stratus. Paige and Becky – the future. Lita and Trish – the Old Guard.
A passing of the torch from the old to the new. Two of the very best women wrestlers ever against two who will be at the top of the division for years to come. Paige and Becky pick up the win, but all four women stand together in the ring, arms raised, respect shown. Scenes.
Two quick matches to kick the show off but now we’re after a bit of longevity. Well what better way to do that than with a ladder match for the United States championship? Kalisto, Neville, Rey Mysterio, Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Shelton Benjamin, Finn Balor and Evan Bourne do battle for the title, which was vacated by The Hurricane following a horrific weather related injury.
The match starts at a furious pace, every man hitting his finisher early on. Rey nails the 619 on Benjamin and Balor, with RVD getting the Five Star Frog Splash on Kalistk. A typical ladder match follows, full of big spots and broken ladders.
Then, Neville and Hardy climb the ladder, they brawl, Hardy knocked down! This is Neville’s moment! But no. Determined to steal the show, he climbs to the top of the ladder, Hardy lying prone on the mat… RED ARROW! From the top of the ladder! Bah Gawd!! Finn Balor capitalises to win the US title and set up his main roster career nicely.
We’re into the second hour of the show and after some shameless plugging of Mountain Dew by Renee Young, Booker T, Corey Graves and whoever else they’ve dragged onto the kick off panel, the crowd are still buzzing off that ladder match.
Lillian Garcia takes to the ring: “This next contest is a last man standing match for the Intercontinental Championship!” The way it should have been at this year’s Wrestlemania: the champion Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn. A true grudge match – former best friends beating the hell out of each other on the bigger stage. The crowd are hyped, the announcers are hyped, I am hyped.
The match starts and its immediately clear: this is not a wrestling match. This is a fight. A brawl. After 25 hellacious minutes, Owens goes for the Pop-Up powerbomb onto the apron – the move that put Zayn on the shelf for so long back in NXT. Zayn counters!
He lays into Owens, sets him atop the announce table, rolls back into the ring, to the top rope he goes…. He stops… Out of the ring he goes, gets a ladder, climbs it… Zayn flies off the ladder and sends Owens thought the table! What scenes! He just beats the count and your new Intercontinental champion: Sami Zayn!
What’s this? It’s the APA! JBL and Ron Simmons are on their way to the ring and they want a tag title match against current champs, The New Day! Kofi Kingston and Big E accept the challenge and a back and forth match ensues. Of course Xavier Woods runs interference on the outside and all hell breaks loose, Kofi hits a Trouble In Paradise on Ron, before a huge Clothesline From Hell by JBL on Kingston ends the match and the APA are your new tag champs!
Seeing as this is my fantasy Wrestlemania, I’m booking the match that should’ve been the main event this year, were it not for injuries. Three men, former friends, now bitter enemies. That’s right – it’s Shield triple threat time! Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose.
The tension has been brewing between the three for months, ever since Roman cost Dean the WWE title in a triple threat with himself and The Undertaker. And after Seth had screwed Dean out of the WWE title in his rematch with ‘Taker, it became a quest for retribution for “the third member of The Shield”. Roman and Seth are the heels and instantly team up on Dean, their former buddy.
Ambrose takes a vicious beat down, culminating in a Shield-esque powerbomb through the announce table from Reigns – ably assisted from Rollins. Of course that won’t keep Ambrose down though. As the match wears on, Ambrose starts to stir and suddenly he’s back in the fray, steel chair in hand. He starts beating down Reigns and Rollins with the chair, before a double Dirty Deeds onto the chair and finally, Ambrose has retribution against his former buddies as he pins both of them in the middle of the ring.
Now it wouldn’t be a Wrestlemania without an Undertaker match. But this one is different. ‘Taker is WWE champion and embroiled in a rivalry with the now 16-time world champion, John Cena, and he wants to break Ric Flair’s record with another title to add to his collection.
It’s become an obsession for Cena to beat ‘Taker at Wrestlemania because at this point, the Deadman is still undefeated on the biggest stage. He will do “whatever it takes” to break the streak. The match starts and as predicted, both men spend equal times on offense but Cena gets the upper hand.
He hits the Attitude Adjustment, Undertaker kicks out. He hits it again, kick out again. A third AA and surely it’s over? KICK OUT! The crowd can’t believe it, nor can Cena. His blood is starting to boil as the Undertaker begins to come back into the match.
Both men brawl in the corner before a wild elbow catches the referee, knocking him out. Clothesline from Cena and ‘Taker goes down. Cena goes outside the ring, picks up a steel chair and lays a savage beating on the Phenom. The crowd erupt into a chorus of boos as Cena hits a fourth AA but this time, there’s no kick out.
Cena wins, the Undertaker is beaten, but more importantly, the streak is over and Cena is booed out the building. Finally what the crowd have wanted for years has happened. John Cena has turned heel for doing “whatever it takes” to beat the streak.
Well that’s what I want at least, and that’s what should happen because let’s face it, I clearly know best. Get in touch and tell me what you think and how you would book your dream ‘Mania!
Enjoy the show of shows, people!
Kelsey De Maria